MARC MUSING

2011-12-13T12:23:00.000-05:00

GIVE ELDERS A CHANCE TO SHARE THEIR STORIES AND WISDOMMax Karelitz just celebrated his 101st birthday. He is quite a character, still extremely sharp, glib, and articulate. Until a couple of years ago he lived on his own and now resides in an assisted-living facility, requiring amazingly little assistance. He is beyond

2011-10-21T12:27:00.001-04:00

AN AGING-OUT LIBERAL’S PAEAN TO TODAY’S PROTESTORSOn the eve of my 62nd birthday, I have attained another rite of passage into senior-hood. Wednesday, I’ll go into St. Francis to go under the scalpel – actually the laser – to have my prostate reshaped so that nature might more easily take its course.I don’t fear the

2011-08-25T20:06:00.004-04:00

SAMANTHA When it was over, they stuck Samantha in the back of my now-grown daughter's closet. Even at 40, it was an ignominious end for a beloved companion. There she laid, floppy ears askew, along with the other castoffs – objects too meaningful to throw away, but too far beyond utilitarian purpose to be more than

2011-07-14T11:47:00.003-04:00

It Could Happen Anywhere“It could happen anywhere.”. . . but not in Borough Park. The horrific murder of a little Chasidic boy walking home from day camp brutally burst another myth of urban security: A hyper-insular, self-scrutinizing, self-protective, ultra-orthodox Jewish community should be ipso-facto immune from the

2011-06-16T15:49:00.001-04:00

A FEW OF MY LEAST FAVORITE THINGSI hear tell that a local church's food bank received an unsolicited carload of packaged kosher items – gefilte fish, matzo meal, chicken soup mix, and the like. The only problem is that the poor folks who habituate the bank will not eat the stuff.So, the cry went out to the local Jewish

2011-05-02T14:43:00.002-04:00

BIN LADEN’S DEATH CALLS FOR “PASSIONATE AMBIVALENCE”Is being “passionately ambivalent” an oxymoron? I hope not, because I would implore us to feel precisely that over Bin Laden’s death. My appeal is not so much to the sense of logic as to a gutty passion deep within the soul. Ambivalent about what? Not over the death of a man who personified inhuman bloodlust, any more than I would be over the

2011-04-01T09:10:00.004-04:00

IF AMERICA IS A “CHRISTIAN NATION,” WHERE DO I FIT IN? I hope that I need not spend too much time justifying that I am a good American: I vote. I pay my bills and taxes. I attend my house of worship. I watch the news and read the paper. I do my best to give back to the community. I pledge allegiance to the flag. My dad was a WWII veteran, a colonel. His portrait in full dress uniform proudly

2011-02-14T09:48:00.001-05:00

“IT HURTS. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN.”My friend Lenny is a big, burly guy. On a good day you would guess that he was one of the Soprano’s. His Brooklyn accent and shrewd, quick wit served him perfectly as he spent his life in the “shmatteh” trade – a clothing buyer for a premier chain of department stores. And tough, too, the way you have to be in a business that exemplifies cut-throat. His upbringing

2011-01-20T18:11:00.003-05:00

CLERGY IS THE KEY TO RENEWED CIVILITY Perhaps it’s the deterioration of my short-term memory that clears more space for crystal-clear recollection of 50-year-old brain fluff . . . and sometimes matters of greater gravitas.Take, for example, the sermon that the rabbi delivered on the subzero Sabbath of my Bar Mitzvah in 1962. That day, he preached on the “Coat of Many Colors” episode that nearly

2010-11-11T12:57:00.003-05:00

PROPHECY GONE STALE Four-and-a-half years have passed, but only now can I begin to talk about it: Shortly after my departure from the congregation in Greenville, I was recruited to conduct the High Holy Day services for a once sizable, now foundering, synagogue in central Pennsylvania. That in itself is not unusual. Congregations that cannot afford the salary of a fulltime rabbi will often turn

2010-08-25T08:59:00.001-04:00

NOTE FROM MY SON BEN ON JEWISH VEGETARIANISM . . .Interestingly enough, Rav Kook promoted vegetarianism. He even wrote an essay titled "A Vision of Vegetarianism and Peace". I have read that he stated that we still have the chiuv to eat meat on Shabbos on the account of "ain simchas ele be'basar", but ate the minimum to fulfill his obligation. I have even read that he is of the opinion that

2010-08-20T10:08:00.002-04:00

CALLING ALL VEGANS TO SHABBOS DINNER AT MY TABLEEvery Shabbat, I sing with gusto about luxuriating in “duck and quail,” “fatted stuffed chicken,” “meat and fish and other delights.” For all the mitzvot that I take at their figurative value, this is one that I take literally, with impeccable gravitas.Yes, yes, I know all about Jonathan Safran Foers and his vegan protestations. They will eventually

2010-07-21T13:01:00.000-04:00

A HOUSE OF PEACE AT GROUND ZERO Let us say for argument’s sake that there is not something outright malevolent in building a mega-mosque at Ground Zero. Yet, no one can escape the truth that it is an act of the most inconceivable chutzpa (gall) on the part of purportedly well-motivated Muslim movers-and-shakers.Someone had to have whispered in someone’s ear, “Think of how much ill-will we would

2010-07-04T13:25:00.002-04:00

THE LANDSMANSCHAFT PICNICMy mother’s parents, Pa and Bubbe, arrived in Chicago fresh off the boat from Grodno, Poland, in 1921. As years went by, they took on American ways, prospered but retained ties to the Old Country and old friends through the Grodno landsmanschaft. The landsmanschaft was a friendship circle of the Jewish people who hailed from the same town in Eastern Europe, its members

2010-06-08T12:06:00.000-04:00

HELEN THOMAS AND THE QUESTION OF ANTI-SEMITISMHelen Thomas, just shut up.The doyenne of the Washington press corps has long been known for her tart tongue. She opens her mouth for better or for worse, and people listen, perhaps not sufficiently to shape public policy, but enough to gain a glint of polarizing attention from the hoi polloi.A week ago, she broadsided about Israel’s Jews, “Tell them

2010-05-09T23:54:00.002-04:00

HOW A TORAH SHOUT-OUT MIGHT HAVE PROTECTED WALL STREET FROM ITSELFIn my meanderings through the synagogue world, I am always amused by the only instance in which shouting out during the Sabbath service has become a ritual, if not a well-cultivated art form. For the uninitiated, the focal point of the service is the ceremonial reading from a portion of the Torah inscribed in Hebrew on a parchment

2010-04-30T10:52:00.001-04:00

MAISHE CHAYIM, WE DARE NOT MAKE FUNI was bullied.Pudgy. Clumsy. Momma's boy. I was an easy target for the taunts of bullies who knew that I was more likely to run home crying than to stay and fight. Tough guys have a knack for meting out brutality on kids like me who are the most vulnerable.I read about Phoebe Prince bullied into suicide, and I read it with an empathy that surmounts even my

2010-04-13T08:09:00.003-04:00

A LETTER TO A SON WHO IS JUST LIKE MEDear Ben,Over the last days of Passover, I had plenty of time to think. It made me want to tell you where I am with my life, the peaks and valleys -- and tell it especially to you, since you are truly my child in your passions and gusto. You and I share a joie de vivre and lust that never tolerates anything halfway. You are not only religious, but Chasidic.

2010-03-23T11:27:00.002-04:00

A SEMINARY STRUGGLES FOR ITS SOUL -- FORTY YEARS LATERIssues of doctrinal loyalty and removal of trustees struggling for the soul of Erskine evoke déjà vu that tugs at me to relate of a similar struggle forty years ago at my alma mater. Once upon a time, my alma-mater yeshiva (seminary) was a kinder, gentler place, occupying the role of relative liberalism among the yeshivas descended from the

2010-01-26T12:37:00.000-05:00

IT IS NOT IN OUR POWER . . .May I give you a brief Hebrew lesson? Repeat after me: “Ain bi-yadenu – It is not in our power . . .” Pat Robertson must have missed the day in seminary when the phrase was taught as prelude to a maxim spoken by one Rabbi Yannai. Had Pat been there, he would have known that Rabbi Yannai encapsulated hundreds of years of suffering and thousand of years of theology in

2009-12-26T17:43:00.002-05:00

A WORLD IN WHICH SUSIE WOULDN’T HAVE SUFFEREDSusie Schwartz did not come to school on the first day of second grade. Nor the first week. Nor the first month. “Oh, she’s moved away,” Miss Davis told us. But there was a tolling in her voice, one which years later we came to understand as pathos. How far away, we had no idea.Little by little, a whispered rumor slipped out, that Susie was dead. An

2009-09-13T13:39:00.003-04:00

A NEW YEAR’S CALL: GO TEACH!Here we stand at the eve of another Rosh Hashanah – Jewish New Year – and the introspection to which we are called by God leads me back to recollections of equal measures of elation and grief. Such is this memory: When I was in the throes of my deepest depression, I would lie in my bed and watch reruns of Rhoda at 2:00 in the afternoon. If you know about clinical

2009-09-10T13:48:00.001-04:00

WACKY ON THE WATERIf you have nothing to write after a cruise, you know you have attained a new level of writer’s block. OK, the ports of call – Newport, Boston, Halifax – were memorable. The food, as always, defined conspicuous consumption. The service created a weeklong illusion of luxury the likes of which we rubes would never enjoy, were it not for a blitzkrieg infusion of cash.What’s left

2009-07-27T17:51:00.004-04:00

A FORTY-YEAR OLD TALE OF MY OWN “PROFILING”At the outset, let me make clear that this is not a missive about “who’s got it worse.” The discrimination that Jews have suffered here at home, however egregious, holds no comparison to that of African Americans, from slavery, to Jim Crow, to racial profiling. As a product of the Jewish upper middle class, though, I cannot resist relating my own

2009-07-09T11:40:00.004-04:00

INTIMATIONS OF USELESSNESSWould you indulge me in this opportunity to wallow? I just received my Medicare card and first Social Security check. Maybe you’d wallow, too. My mind for an eternal moment is lingering over the most irrational thoughts. So, please don’t tell me how much I still have to give to my family and friends and community. I know. Please don’t tell me how many productive

2009-06-25T16:45:00.001-04:00

FEEDING THE APPETITE FOR SCHADENFREUDEIt might be too early to write about the depths of Mark Sanford’s damnation, but it is not too soon to write about his pain, however well deserved. Paving the road to his purgatory and perdition has yet to be defined, not so much by the prospect of illegally misappropriated funds as by salacious bikini tans. Learn well, though, that the self-righteous

2009-06-15T13:56:00.002-04:00

THE WASTE OF A LIFETIMEWhat a waste of a lifetime.People will find a thousand ways to analyze why a hateful 88-year-old man tried to shoot up a museum devoted to the lessons of man’s greatest inhumanity. We have already heard minds small and large prognosticate about the causes being in a climate of national misanthropy to Freudian traumas dating back to toilet training. I prefer the theory

2009-05-01T09:19:00.000-04:00

WAS HIS VOTE WORTH IT?I campaigned for Tony Trout. It was the first and only time I campaigned for a local candidate. I sent emails and signed petitions. I wrote him letters of encouragement throughout his rocky runs and runoffs.Being outside his district, I could not vote for him, but I spoke, wrote, and cajoled about his worthiness and the necessity of his victory. Tony had become, even for

2009-05-01T09:14:00.002-04:00

I AM ORDAINED A HIGH PRIEST (REVISED) I wonder whether Aaron the biblical High Priest perpetually had second-degree burns over his hands from frying up sacrifices in olive oil. Better yet, am I ordained a High Priest because of all the times I sear myself while I attempt to cook with scorching olive oil? If so, then last week I was anointed with that holy unguent and declared High Priest by a

2009-04-22T14:21:00.002-04:00

A CAFFEINATED MEETING OF THE IN-LAWSI have never understood why people drink decaffeinated coffee. Maybe it’s because I personally think that any coffee – even the vaunted Starbuck’s – tastes and lingers in the throat like wet cigarettes. How I know the taste and texture of wet cigarettes is simply up to ones conjecture.What then? The only real reason that justifies drinking coffee is the,

2009-04-17T08:04:00.000-04:00

“IT FREAKS ME OUT”How was your Seder? Mine was absolutely delightful. Imagine this: My children and grandchildren live in Atlanta, some 140 miles away from my little hamlet of Greenville. Only in my wildest dreams would I imagine celebrating the Sedarim in Atlanta, as there also resides my former wife, with whom the kids celebrate theirs.Please know that for 18 years, life has been more

2009-04-01T13:37:00.002-04:00

KONKLET AND HAM STEAKWell, we finally shot the pilot episode of my new cooking show, “Rabbi Ribeye.” Quite an experience: A jazz band blasted out my theme song, a bluesy version of Hava Nagila. The audience chanted, “Ra-a-a-a-b-b-i Ribeye! Ra-a-a-a-b-b-i Ribeye!” I couldn’t decide whether to preen in the pool of narcissism or just crawl in a hole.The producer had already determined the menu. “We

2009-03-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

PEANUT MORBIDITYWhen the Hebrews wandered through the wilderness, they survived on manna. American Jews survive on peanut butter. Yet, the Jewish immigrants of a few generations ago didn’t even know what peanuts were. They assumed that since they were called “nuts,” they must have grow from trees, and they dogmatically recited over them the blessing, “borei pri ha-etz,” just like a walnut or

2009-03-04T13:04:00.003-05:00

BIBLE KIDNEY BELT"Bible Belt."For us liberals, the words trip off the tongue with a sneer, an epithet, a lament, an obituary for where we live. Well, let me tell you that I recently spent an evening right here in Taylors at the buckle of the Bible Belt, and I did not find the experience the fodder for cynicism whatsoever. I’m even inclined to do it again.Some of my newfound friends who are

2009-02-24T12:20:00.000-05:00

"YOU" JEWS AND YOUR FISHAmerica is a young country. When a Jew says that his family has been in the US for 100 years, it’s like a Jekke saying that his mishpocho has been in Frankfurt for a millennium. When my parents and I moved to San Francisco, we discovered a pair of distant, distant relatives who established their roots there two generations before the Great Earthquake of 1906. Cousins

2009-02-14T13:09:00.001-05:00

IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BROCCOLI CASSEROLESmall towns like Greenville are rife with Christian fundamentalists. They assume that we know about the Torah, holidays, ceremonies, philosophy, and history. Uh-huh.Some of them are so serious about Judaism that they practice it as it was at Jesus’ time, “searching for the Hebraic roots of their faith.” So, five or six families will get together on Friday

2009-02-10T15:11:00.001-05:00

THE KEY TO INFLUENCE: FEED THE REPORTERS FRESH SALMONNinety-five percent of the nation looked aghast on the contemptuousness of that shnook Blagojevich. We Chicagoans knew better. We snicker at you rubes who think that duplicity like his happens only on bad TV.Sociology-types would trace Blagojevich’s blatant double-dealing to the fast-and-loose atmosphere set by Hizonner da Mare Richard J. Daley

2009-02-02T15:25:00.001-05:00

SHONDEH IS THE JEWISH CRITERIONWhat Bernard Madoff did, to the gentile world, was an enormous crime. To the Jew it was a “shondeh,” the harshest Yiddish word for “disgrace.” I honestly don’t know how many gentiles are saying among themselves, “There goes another money-grubbing Jew.” It doesn’t really matter. I am ashamed by Madoff not because his story might generate anti-Semitism. For a Jew

2009-01-29T13:16:00.000-05:00

CHOLOV STARBUCKSI’ve gone to Starbucks from Montreal to Port au Prince, but I never drink coffee there. Coffee gives me a tummy ache. But they do have a wonderful lemonade slush in which I could bathe when it is -30º outside. Their apple fritter is also nonpareil. The only reason that astronomers are interested in life on other planets is to see if it’s feasible to set up a Starbucks there,

2009-01-26T15:18:00.000-05:00

KASHRUT IN THE GRASSI’ve always assumed that Jewish people did not choose hunting as a sport. Inflicting pain for recreation is forbidden. And besides, when you punch a hole in an animal and it dies, no question that it’s treife.All of my assumption went sour when I paid a visit to the Ginsburg’s. Racks upon racks of spiffy-polished shotguns on display in the den, set upon set of antlers

2009-01-05T15:40:00.003-05:00

A LITTLE COLOR ON THE PLATEOnce upon a time, my secretary and I would lunch at a mediocre Chinese buffet. When we’d come to the end of the line, she’d examine my plate and glower. This was my cue to return to the buffet and retrieve a spear of broccoli.This was more a culinary issue than a health concern. You eat with your eyes before your palate. A plate has to have a little green on it. Rice,

2008-12-24T11:41:00.001-05:00

THE PRICE ON FOODISH FAMEFrom the outset, where to tape my new TV show has posed a problem. The first issue is finding a kitchen that is well equipped and accommodating to the cameras and audience. But, the overarching concern is the ambiance we want to create. What is the concept behind the show? What persona do they want me to project? Not too intellectual, they tell me. They want the

2008-12-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

THINGS GO BETTER WITH COKE . . . OR ELSEWhich character do we most closely associate with Coca-Cola? Santa Claus. This was a sharp marketer’s idea to keep kids drinking ice-cold Coke even in the depths of winter. Nowhere will you see a billboard, magazine, or commercial without Santa chugging down a Coke.But, Coke can also be magnanimous at Christmas time. They pay to dispatch Santa Claus’s

2008-11-20T13:35:00.000-05:00

COOKIES FOR KRISTALLNACHTCan one find humor in Kristallnacht?Some of us in Greenville had good intentions. We planned an event to commemorate Kristallnacht, the Night of Broken Glass. We anticipated an attendance of 350, but 700 people showed up. Then, someone got the idea to serve cookies and coffee after the program. Only American Jews would come up with the idea of serving Kiddush to honor

2008-11-12T10:58:00.003-05:00

WHENCE THE CHIPS?Mendel would say that I inherited double-dominant chocolate-craving genes from my parents. My father would need his jacket cleaned weekly because of a Hershey bar left in his pocket. My mother the diabetic would adjust her insulin in anticipation of a chocolate sundae.My rebbetzin prudently keeps our chocolate to a minimum. She knows she should by all the candy wrappers she finds

2008-10-31T11:15:00.000-04:00

STABBED INTO GOOD MANNERSI am not an expert at many things, but I do have good table manners. This was my father’s special mission in life. Whenever I would forget to say “please” or slobber my soup, he would reach over and stab my hand with his fork. This in itself was dreadfully bad manners, but no matter, it obviously worked.Some parents were apparently not so demanding. About four years

2008-10-28T15:51:00.005-04:00

THE PATHOS IN THE PICTURESWhen I was a young rabbi, I counted among my dearest friends an elderly man . . . warm, generous, pious, a loving husband, father, grandfather, respected – even venerated – by the community. He has long since passed on.He and I would frequently have lunch. Occasionally, he would offer me a book on a philosophical or historical topic that he would encourage me to

2008-10-19T14:32:00.001-04:00

TRENDY SCHMALTZ Now that things are moving forward with my TV show, I’ve become something of a celebrity in Greenville. Lest I get a swelled head, I remind myself that the most famous person in Greenville was a baseball player bribed by a Jewish gangster to throw the World Series.Amazingly, local periodicals are running features about me. One magazine even sent out a camera crew to shoot photos

2008-10-16T17:53:00.000-04:00

RECIPES FOR THE BIPOLAR PALATEHave you already figured out that I am as bipolar as a rubber band? When I am up, I am a hyena. When I am down, I make Hamlet look like Jerry Lewis. Thank God for leading-edge medication, an understanding therapist, and a loving and ever-patient wife.You probably do not know that I am a columnist for BP Hope, a magazine for manic-depressives. Usually I write book

2008-09-05T14:33:00.000-04:00

BREADSTICKS AND STRICKOLEANI learned the truth about kishke at the age of 12. It was at Larry Dellheim’s bar mitzvah. He had always been pretty obnoxious. “You know what you’re eating, don’t you?” he poked. “Cow’s guts.”It was like hearing about sex for the first time. Just to play it safe, I put down my fork. “Get out of here!”“Go ask you mom,” Larry jeered. Years went by, and I’ve

2008-09-03T15:22:00.000-04:00

ONE MILKSHAKE: $150I never met a chocolate milkshake that I didn’t love. My family was relatively poor, so Saturday night entertainment was to stroll “once around the track,” as my father called it, at Walgreen’s drugstore. Then, they would seat me at a stool in the cafeteria, ordered me a milkshake for 25 cents and sat impassively nearby as they waited for me to finish it.What was the most I

2008-08-26T16:07:00.000-04:00

WOULDYA PLEASE PASS THE SCHNITZEL?My old schule recently entertained the idea of inviting me back to be their rabbi. It’s a long story, but instead they hired a woman who does not know how to read from the Torah. As I was told, she has more charisma than I do.“It’s all for the best,” I said to myself. This will give me more time to work on my television show, “Rabbi Ribeye.” The name rhymes in

2008-08-17T19:06:00.002-04:00

THE RIGHT FITMy youngest, Ben, now dons the garb of a Chasidic Jew when he celebrates Sabbath, holydays, and sacred occasions – long, black frockcoat, broad-brimmed hat, ritual fringes, woven prayer-sash, and the rest. He has come to identify with an Orthodox sect, Chabad, with which I, too, was once closely associated. Chabad has recently gained some modicum of controversy, having posthumously

2008-08-07T11:09:00.002-04:00

THE YEKKE SYNDROMEIt wasn’t until I went off to college that I discovered that being a Yekke was not a nationality, but a syndrome. I’ve never met another species of Jew who named his child Irmgard or Berthold. Scott and Craig, of course. Those are real names. But not Gunther nor Franziska. Those are the kinds of names you find in stuffy operas, not baseball teams.I wound up in Washington

2008-08-05T13:00:00.001-04:00

DISCUSS: AN EGG CREAM CONTAINS NEITHER EGGS NOR CREAMThe birth of our granddaughter in New York was all the excuse we needed to head Downtown and conduct “scientific research” on the quality of the pastrami, etc., at the newly reopened Second Avenue Deli, the Olympus of kosher dining. We had another good excuse: to introduce the gay couple that lives next door to the wonders of deli cuisine. “The

2008-07-23T11:14:00.001-04:00

SOMETIMES MORE THAN A LITTLE IS ALREADY TOO MUCHYou remember the old joke: “Where’s the best place to hide an elephant? Right out in the open.” I’ve visited New York at least 50 times since my teens, but just two weeks ago, I found the elephant right in Upper Manhattan, and it’s been there only 100 years.Recently, Linda and I sought a breakfast place that served good smoked fish. There are plenty

2008-07-08T14:32:00.000-04:00

THE SACRED TRADITION OF A L’CHAYIM AND CHEESEBURGERI live within eyesight of Bob Jones University, an institution so conservative and fundamentalist Christian that it makes Presbyterians and Episcopalians look like Satmar Chasidim. Naturally, they want the rest of the world, including us, to be Christians like they are. So, my basic attitude toward them is that if they leave me alone, I will do

2008-06-23T13:36:00.001-04:00

SOME DAY I'LL BE A STARHave I told you that you that I might become a television star? No, really, it’s true. A group of producers heard about this rabbi who loves to cook and tell stories about food. It’s me. Don’t ask me how.The producers are a bunch of goyim who think it’s hysterical that a rabbi in the most goyische part of the country is noteworthy for cooking kosher food. They believe that

2008-06-03T10:40:00.001-04:00

THE TOXIC BUFFETAnthony Bourdain is a former junkie and shikker who went on to establish some of the finest restaurants in New York. He has become my mentor and idol.Tony also writes bluntly about the realities of the restaurant kitchen. Among his observations: Don’t order fish on Monday. It’s probably left over from Thursday. And for God’s sake, don’t eat the Sunday brunch. It’s mostly

2008-05-25T12:14:00.001-04:00

CHICKEN PERFUMEI can’t believe that it’s been 35 years since I began my rabbinical career just outside of Chicago. Mine was a tiny schule, actually a remodeled greasy-spoon. We served Shabbos Kiddush from the short-order counter. We were new and few in numbers, so we did everything for ourselves: No custodian. No kitchen manager. No one to shop for us, clean the bathrooms, set up the chairs. But,

2008-05-22T08:56:00.002-04:00

MY HUMBLE ORIGIN: NOM DE DOODLE, CIRCA 1968Just like my doppelganger Bart Simpson, I write it on the chalkboard a hundred times each day: “Why should the origin of “Rabbi Ribeye” matter to anyone?” Regardless . . .“Rabbi Ribeye” did not originate for its alliteration. Nor was it intended to be my nom de plume. It is the product of 40-year-old doodling during another narcolepsy-inducing Talmud

2008-05-14T14:41:00.001-04:00

DUMB SOLUTIONS TO DUMB PROBLEMSJust got back from a Caribbean cruise. Not too shabby. The food was outstanding, and our every wish was the wait-staff’s command. At one dinner, the fig cake was wonderful. Without asking, Alvin produced another piece. The next day, the dessert offerings were mediocre. I asked Alvin if they had any more fig cake roaming around.“So sorry, Mr. Wilson. We throw

2008-05-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

THEIR OWN SPECIAL SAUCELinda and I finally took our long awaited cruise to the Caribbean. Wunderbar. The cuisine? Breakfast and lunch were hardly fine dining. So what. The vaunted “around-the-clock-buffet” was mostly soft-serve ice cream and corrugated-frisbee pizza. But, the suppers were marvelous, whether you were metro-kosher or all-out treife. I did not venture into the frozen strictly

2008-04-28T10:59:00.000-04:00

“THAT MAN CALLED ME ZIPPY”When my little Chanaleh was a toddler, she was sweet as sugar. Biologically, she was only one-quarter Yekke, but she looked like a real Deutsche Madchen – sunflower hair, creamery-butter complexion. I recently asked her if she remembered the meaning of the German “golden Suppe.” When she said that she didn’t, I thanked God that one more child had dodged ten years on Dr.

2008-04-22T11:07:00.001-04:00

FOIE GRAS FAUX PASWhen you stop to think of it, most of the food we eat is pretty funky. Beef – muscle fiber, connective tissue, blood (let’s not kid ourselves; even kashering gets rid of only some of it) – even from lamb and veal. Babies, mind you. Organs – who knows what kind of poison has made its way through those? Chickens roll around in barnyard shmootz. Fish swim around their own waste.But

2008-04-10T11:51:00.001-04:00

TASTES GREAT, LESS FILLINGMy little town of Greenville has two newspapers, which is remarkable for a city that has only seven policemen (or so it sometimes feels). One paper caters to everyone who isn’t illiterate. The other is directed to the well-heeled Upper Middle Class.When the latter started, I applied to become its food editor. They rejected my application, telling me that they were afraid

2008-03-25T17:07:00.001-04:00

WATER, COKE, OR A PESACHDIK MARTINI? If you’re a fresser like I am, you know very well that we affluent Jews eat more like Pharaoh on Pesach than did our enslaved ancestors.“Why is this week different from all other weeks of the year?”. . . on every other week of the year, if we crave sweets, we eat a chocolate bar. But, on this week, we eat only kosher li-Pesach marshmallow-and-macadamia

2008-03-22T19:26:00.004-04:00

OBAMA AND HIS PREACHER: REJECTING THE MESSAGE BUT NOT THE MESSENGER In 35 years in ministry, I I have exhorted my parishioners from the pulpit some 1,855 times, excluding weddings and funerals. I’ve rallied them to observe the Sabbath and Holy Days and kosher laws, to be more compassionate and socially conscious, and to love their neighbors and their God. I have also exhorted them about some

2008-03-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

LUNG-AND-LIVER AS CRIME-STOPPERA woman recently wrote me to take exception to my observation that pitcha (jellied calf’s foot) was the most disgusting of all Jewish foods. “Actually,” she wrote, “The worst is a stew made of cow’s lung and liver.”“Lunge-und-leber?” I’d entirely forgotten. Thoughts of a steaming tureen of lunge-und-leber ironically brought back a rush of memories about one of

2008-03-05T21:29:00.000-05:00

A ROCKEFELLER AT MY SEDERSometimes it feels like I’ve spent every day of my career apologizing for one insufficiency or another. “I’m sorry that I didn’t compliment you enough at the Sisterhood meeting.” “I’m sorry for saying that Hamas was our enemy. After all, Children of God have no enemies.” “I’m sorry for not being able to make all Yom Tovim on weekends.”My flock rarely apologizes to me. “

2008-02-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

DADDY, WHY AREN’T FISH-EGGS KOSHER?You cannot escape the reality that caviar is fish eggs. Why some people find that disgusting is beyond understanding. After all, we eat chicken eggs in a hundred different ways. Yet, a chicken looks far nastier and googlier than a sleek, shiny sturgeon, salmon, or whitefish any day. If you find fish eggs disgusting, you are mistaken, my good friend. Caviar

2008-02-11T16:39:00.000-05:00

“WE ANSWER TO A HIGHER AUTHORITY”Did you know that in the US, “wiener” is slang for a man’s private parts? The wiener’s vulgarity does not stop with its name. A sage once opined that you never want to watch two things being made: politics and wieners. The wiener is made from meat of the lowest consumable level: no steaks or chateaubriand. The stuff of wieners may be ground up, but don’t

2008-02-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

OBAMA'S CANDIDACY USHERS IN A TIME FORAFRICAN AND JEWISH AMERICANS TO REAFFIRM COMMON GROUNDThe emergence of Barack Obama as a serious presidential candidate raises again, if only by inference, the oft tenuous relations between African and Jewish Americans. While the issue may not be of widespread gravitas, it again precipitates the uncomfortable question of whether Jews and African Americans

2008-01-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

FRIED CHICKEN MACHISMOAsk anyone about fried chicken, and he or she will invariably answer, “The Colonel.” Long before The Colonel, deep-fried chicken was an American favorite. In fact, I have it on good authority that many plebeians of the South have never tasted any chicken other than fried – or at least none of the roasted like bubbe used to make.But, The Colonel – a chubby old man in a

2008-01-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

GARDEN-FRESH VEGETABLE MEDLEYGrowing up, the word “medley” had two meanings. It either meant fragments of songs strung together by a common theme, like “an Engelbert Humperdinck medley.” Or, it meant a series of similar sporting events, “a backstroke, butterfly, breaststroke medley.”When I entered into the culinary world, “medley” took on a more dubious meaning: a vegetable medley. This is the

2007-12-25T12:41:00.000-05:00

A SPOT OF AMYLASE IN THAT HUMMUS?Hummus is an elementary food: ground chickpeas, olive oil, garlic, pepper. It becomes a yellowish blob to be scooped up with pita. You either love it or detest its very sight.I love hummus. Its popularity is no longer reserved for Israelis and sympathizers; it has proliferated among gentiles, too. I have even eaten it at an Irish pub.One may purchase hummus at

2007-12-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

A KASHRUT LESSON FOR KOSHER DOGSFor 58 years, I have not owned a pet. Suddenly, I have become father to an immense fur-ball, to afford me companionship that will break the day’s monotony. I have named her “Minnie,” in memory of my aunt, who hated dogs.Minnie is well-behaved, loving, even fairly smart. Despite her girth, Minnie is a picky eater. She hates dog food. Not long ago, the poor dog had

2007-11-26T14:30:00.000-05:00

LATKE NEUROSISMy introduction to Chanukah latkes at the tender age of three was, sadly, a less-than-joyous occasion. The Chanukah party, always hosted by Tante Leah, was a bacchanalia of yontifdik foods, a platter of her potato latkes at the center.O how I loved those latkes. They were sodden, thick, greasy – the fantasy of a three-year-old who already weighed 33 kg. How much better could

2007-11-12T11:36:00.000-05:00

RELIGIOUS LEADERS WHO ENDORSE CANDIDATES ARE PRACTICING PHONY RELIGIONI first singed my fingers on the volatile mixture of religion and politics about 20 years ago. Sue Myrick – a lovable, but slightly loopy, friend – was running for mayor of Charlotte. She asked to speak before my congregation, and I agreed, provided that a Q&A session would follow. We built her visit around a Sabbath dinner,

2007-11-05T09:37:00.000-05:00

FORCE-FED PITCHAHave you ever tasted pitcha? Have you liked it? Ick. Have I already offended our handful of pitcha-lovers? Sorry. But show me someone who likes pitcha, and I’ll show you a person who thinks that squid ink is a delicacy. Even Google has only two entries under “pitcha,” because finding it on the Internet is like trying to find a dirty word on your spell-check.So, what is

2007-10-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELLSo much angst to being a Jew. Woe particularly unto those of us who have lived with it since tender youth. At the age of 16, I traveled from my parents’ home in idyllic San Francisco to attend Yeshiva University in foreboding New York City, 4,800 km away.I had been warned about New York – thefts, muggings, gang attacks, dangerous neighborhoods, illegal weapons, pickpockets,

2007-10-18T10:01:00.000-04:00

"WHENCE COME REST AND JOY?"Not too long ago, I had to have my pills taken away. Linda took them from me because of my increasing addiction to Lortab, after I had injured my shoulder. Now, my Oxycontin, prescribed for a broken elbow, will soon be taken from me. Dependent again.At first, they were my medications. Then they became my friends. No hallucinations, no goofiness. But, one or two before

2007-10-16T13:19:00.000-04:00

THE KOSHER OENOPHILE'S COMING OF AGETalk to an orthodox – or even right-leaning conservative – coreligionist, and s/he will tell you that wine, too, must be kosher. And you think, even ask, “Where’s the cheeseburger? Where’s the pork?” Fact is that if you want to be “strictly strictly,” must pass through the hands only of orthodox Jews, from juicing the grapes to double-sealing the bottles (or

2007-10-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

HAVE A COKE AND A HECHSHERMy former hometown of Atlanta holds two matters sacred: It was burned to the ground during the Civil War. And, it is the origin of Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola has had such tremendous impact to Atlanta that citizens refer generically to all varieties of soda pop as “Coke,” and that a huge museum is devoted to its wonders.Naturally, Coca-Cola has its Jewish connections. What

2007-10-03T18:10:00.000-04:00

JEWS AND PIZZA -- A MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION I have yet to comprehend the American Jew’s love affair with pizza. You can’t drive through a Jewish neighborhood without passing a dozen pizzerias, three or four of them strictly kosher. I have long wondered why Orthodox Jews routinely order fauz-treife vegetarian sausage on their kosher pizzas, the quintessence of chazerai.I assume that our obsession

2007-09-19T09:22:00.000-04:00

VEGETARIANISM: IT'S NOT SO EASYHow hard should it be for a Jew to become a vegetarian?Fruits and vegetables spring forth directly from pristine earth. They are neither milchig nor fleishig, and they can’t become treife, right? Well, it’s not so easy.I have often suggested that religious Jews become vegetarians, since they would not then have to worry about how flexible the schechita knife is, or

2007-09-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

THE WAGES OF TRUTH TELLINGCruise: “I want the truth!”Nicholson: “You can’t handle the truth!”Cruise and Nicholson’s repartee in A Few Good Men, is deliberately left unresolved. So too for the ages, a conundrum: Will we tell the truth? Can we handle the truth?It takes tremendous self-discipline not to dance the jig when some sanctimonious snot like Senator Craig is caught with his pants down. Let’

2007-08-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

DINNER ON THE WHOLLY DAZEAfter I left my congregation, I anticipated the Holy Days would be all that it had not been in three decades. Now there would be spirit-filled prayer, family together catching up on each other’s lives, unrushed Yom Tov dinners, walks in the park.Then we received a call from nefarious Aunt Annette. She demanded, as was her style, that we join her family for Yom Tov in

2007-08-27T10:20:00.000-04:00

WHERE YA GONNA BREAKDUFAST?Whatever American Jews are lacking in religiosity, they make up in their obsession with food:Take my friend Jack, who ordered a sandwich in a treife restaurant during Pesach, but insisted that it be served on matzo, because “my momma made me swear that I would never eat bread on Pesach.” Then there was my boss Lew, who served a huge ham at their “Holy Day Dinner,” never

2007-08-07T12:12:00.000-04:00

TORTURE AT 40,000 FEETWe have all been conditioned to gripe about a benefit that has arbitrarily been taken away from us. But, what if the benefit turns out not to be a real benefit, like griping to the dentist to give you “another” root-canal, after he’s already given you three?What of the decline, now demise, of airline food? Is it tragedy or triumph? I say, “Farewell to airline food, and grant

2007-07-30T14:36:00.000-04:00

A CHEESEBURGER IS NOT A CHEESE SANDWICHI doubt that you will ever be in a village as tiny as Deep Step, Georgia: One stop-sign, one anemic policeman, and a fly-specked restaurant, no tables; just a shabby counter. No wine or beer either, because of their strict religious compunctions. A few years ago, business, not Talmud, brought me to Deep Step for a week. There are no Jews within 160

2007-06-25T08:36:00.000-04:00

"JUST WHAT I CHOOSE IT TO MEAN"“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.” (Lewis Carroll)Who would have ever known that the same observation would have its impact on the culinary?Not too long ago, I was engaged by an upper-class couple to cater a small dinner party. Given the summer heat, as a first course

2007-06-05T10:39:00.000-04:00

SIT DOWN, MESHUGANER!Does anyone remember images of those misanthropes who stood on their soapboxes and harangued the passing crowd on everything from the End of Days to the evils of fluoridated water?My Grandpa Julius was one of those misanthropes, every Sunday in Wicker Park berating his ragtag audience. Some of them would stand by impassively, but the majority would jeer at him, “Zetz zich

2007-05-28T11:02:00.000-04:00

WOULD YA PASS THE GRAPES?When has a rabbi ever had the nachas of exceeding the stature of an aristocratic goy? The instances are rare, but so it happened.Recently, I was invited to deliver the invocation at a dinner, an organization that raises money for worthy causes. At the dais were seated celebrities, magnates of business, aristocracy. All them and me.Shortly after being seated, the waiter

2007-05-09T09:45:00.000-04:00

PARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?I have yet to figure out what I really do for a living. This has led not only to ambiguity but poverty. Am I a rabbi? I am by virtue of my education, but as a vocation it turned out to be a dead-end four years ago when I was fired for being too uppity and manic. Would you care to share a few pills?Am I writer? Only if I want to live on $100 a week. And the idea of

2007-04-26T17:57:00.000-04:00

KOSHER ICE CREAM FROM KOSHER COWSLong ago when I was a yeshiva-bochur we ate all types of ice cream without regard to its kashrut. After all, what could be treife about pure frozen cream flavored with pure vanilla? And so it was for nearly all the orthodox Jews in Chicago. We hung out at our favorite ice cream parlor, Lockwood Castle, and on any given Saturday night there were more yarmulkes in

2007-04-25T13:41:00.000-04:00

RECIPES FOR PARADIGM SHIFT IN POKER GRUBFOR “SAUCE CHALLENGE”CUCUMBER-DILL SAUCE2 cups mayo2-3 “pickling” cucumbers, unpeeled1-2 medium sweet onion(s) (Vidaila preferred)4 or more whole sprigs of dill, finely chopped OR 2 tablespoons dry dillsalt and pepper to tasteCoarse-grate cucumbers and onions over clean kitchen towel (one that you’ll never use again). You might lose a knuckle, but I prefer

2007-04-22T11:00:00.000-04:00

A PARADIGM SHIFT IN POKER SNACKINGI have never played a game of poker . . . er . . .uh . . . unless you count the one time at Camp Ramah, summer of ’63, when a couple of sharpies conned me into a game of strip poker . . . and I wound up running to-and-from the next cabin clad only in my tzitzis. My boys, Scott, Joey, and Ben, however, are world-class pokeristim. I have yet to compute the stakes

2007-04-18T18:23:00.000-04:00

FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND THE ARAB MINDSET MAKES THIS A STUPID WARMy dad was a Colonel in the National Guard. One day in 1965, he told his high- strutting, hup-two, ROTC son to find a way to stay out of Vietnam. It was, he said, going to be a “stupid war.” Why? Among other reasons, he said, “Because we don’t understand the enemy.”I was bred by patriotic parents to believe that the people who

2007-04-06T06:52:00.000-04:00

A BACHELOR AND HIS SANITARY NAPKINSOnce upon a time, decades ago, my grandparents owned a little grocery store in the old Jewish neighborhood in Chicago. My grandmother and mother ran the store, rolling herring and pickle barrels out onto the sidewalk at 5:00 AM in the frigid pre-dawn darkness.But, my grandfather was a man of leisure. He came down to the store at 9:00, dressed in the flashy